he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm getting married
To pizza
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
