Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He passed out mid-signature
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
