U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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