I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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