You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
