Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.