I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.