I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
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If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
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Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.