It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
