oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize