you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
