i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
