That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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