Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
