what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
