I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
