Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
