3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
