I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
