You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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