so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
