So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
