i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
