My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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