Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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