dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
