just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
