She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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