If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
