I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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