4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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