And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
