i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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