I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Randomize
