Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
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