My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
