I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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