forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
