I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
