forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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