I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
