You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
