Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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