So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Randomize
