i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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