I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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