Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
