I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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