How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
