i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
