if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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