He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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