If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
